Monday, May 4, 2009

my other personality made me do it

Today was hard. I visited a lawyer about the divorce for the first time. Talk about becoming real. Here's a synopsis of my day:

Lawyer: Hi! How are you?

Me: Uh, fine *Yeah, just great. I'm getting a divorce. Right as rain. Peachy keen.* (stars mean I'm thinking...)

L: Ok, just let me take a look at these papers. (She shuffles through the end of my life as I know it.)

M: (Staring out the window.) *Do not cry, do not cry, do not cry. Seriously. That would be super embarrassing. This is her job. People get divorced everyday. Nonchalant. You can do it! Just got something in my eye. No biggie.*

L: Well, everything looks pretty basic here. You don't have any major assets to divide and it looks like you've both agreed on the division of everything else.

M: *Ok, really. What am I paying you for? Why aren't you finding the loophole that will keep him bound to me for life like he promised? Here, just give me the papers. I'll find someone who can.* Uh, yeah.

L: Blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. (A bunch of big words I don't know. Oh well. They sound stupid anyway.) So, I guess that's pretty much it unless you have any questions.

M: Do I have to sign them? *Cuh-rap! Did I say that out loud? She's looking at me like I'm nuts. I said that out loud. Laugh it off. Be convincing.*

L: (Pats my hand.) Yes, honey. If you don't it will default to him anyway.

M: Okey dokey. Thanks so much! Really appreciate it. Have a great day! Oh, and a good weekend this weekend. It's supposed to be nice weather. Maybe I'll have a BBQ. I really don't like BBQ sauce though. So it won't really be a BBQ. Haha. *Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!*

So then I head to the parking lot where I promptly have a panic attack. *Note to self, refill Lexapro. See if I can get a prescription for cocaine too.* So that reminded me that I really did need to stop by CVS and get my meds. Usually I use the drive through, but I also needed toothpaste. So I decide to go inside. This is about how that went. (I'm clearly losing my ever-loving mind.)

(Doors to CVS swish open)

*My. That's a refreshing sound. I wish my life would swish like that. Swish, swish, swish. Oh look! Nail polish! I love nail polish. It always makes me feel better when my toes have a pretty color on them. And they're buy one get one half off! Can't pass that up.*

(Spend 15 minutes deciding what color nail polish to get.)

*Okey dokey. What else did I need? Oh 'Real Simple'! I love that magazine. They always have such good advice in there! Maybe I should suggest they do a divorce issue. I could write something about how to hide ex-husband's bodies. That's not funny. Don't think that. Shame on you. Put your big girl panties on. This issue is about make-up. I'm not really using make-up much anymore. Man I'm going to hate it when I have to get a grown up job again. I'll have to wear make-up everyday. And heels. I hate heels. I should try to find those Dr. Scholl's things for high heels. They're such a pretty blue color. What section would that be in?*

(Wander aimlessly like an idiot for another 15 minutes or so. Forget what I'm looking for. Head to pharmacy to get meds. Get in line.)

*Oooh Snickers! I love Snickers. I haven't eaten anything today. I think I'll get one of those. No. I don't need Snickers. I need to have some carrots or celery or something. That will be good for my mental health as well. Yes. Vegetables. Man that guy is old. Good gosh! He's getting 4 prescriptions! Holy crap, I never want to be that old.*

(I'm next in line. Walk up and put my collection of things I don't even remember getting on the counter.)

*When did I pick up a pack of travel tissues? And what in the world do I need these reading glasses for?*

Pharmacist: Ok Mrs. Gunnell. I've got 4 prescriptions here for you. Is that correct?

(Old man winks at me.)

*Christ. I have 4 prescriptions. I'm not even old. I don't have an excuse. Now everyone thinks I have schizophrenia or multiple personalities or something. Great. Actually, multiple personalities might be fun. I could be a total bitch and blame someone else. "What? I can't help it. My other personality made me do it."*

(Pay for my stuff.)

*Prescriptions are expensive. I have to get over my chemical dependencies.*

(Walk out. Enjoy the swish sound again. Get in my car. Head out of the parking lot. Realize that I didn't get toothpaste.)

So yeah. A day in the life...It's sad, but that's how my mind is everyday. I'm not actually sure how I've functioned in the real world as long as I have. Must be my capable personality.

I haven't even picked out my Spoonful of Sugar for the day. Usually I do that first and then see how long I can restrain myself and do actual work before I post it. I really need something to do though. I'll go find something now. If I don't come back I've probably gotten distracted by lip gloss or something else sparkly...

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