For all my sarcastic bitterness, I actually hurt a whole, whole lot. It's just one of those rather-laugh-than-cry situations. I like knowing I can make other people laugh too. I love all your comments and emails, by the way. They make me happy.
So tonight I decided to watch it. And there was the wedding. I just kept thinking, "It's been two months. I can do this now. I'm better." Clearly I'm just getting better at lying to myself. It may seem stupid or insignificant to some people, but I have been avoiding all things wedding. And when I can't avoid it, I make snarky comments. I've accepted this as my coping mechanism. But it seems like I always cry at Grey's, no matter what's happening. It does that to me. And tonight there was the wedding.
It shattered me. It was like all the tears I haven't let myself cry over the past few weeks were just waiting for something like that. I was pretty much in a state of panic the whole time I watched it. I kept screaming, "Turn it off!" in my head, but I couldn't. I just watched and it was kind of like my whole married life was flashing before my eyes. Bits and pieces of my wedding and life invaded my thoughts again. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Just when I thought I'd gotten past that.
There really is no point to all of this. I'm just trying to do something to take my mind off of it. I know that writing about it doesn't seem like the brightest idea, but it helps. Plus I can concentrate on my fingers flying across the keyboard and making that soothing clicking sound.
I know I have so much to be grateful for, and I know that divorce isn't the end all, be all. I know that one day I'll look back and it will be ok. That day is not today. I fear that that day isn't coming anytime soon. I know there are people dying and people who are sick and kids who are getting abused. I know that this is not a world shattering thing. But for me it is. I can't imagine feeling anymore pain than I am feeling at the moment. And in a way, this is a death to me. It feels wrong, but it seems worse than death to me. At least if he would have died, it wouldn't have been his choice. At least I would have known that he didn't leave me because he didn't love me. At least there would have been an end; some closure.
But it's just like this nightmare that goes on and on. I keep wondering what I did; replaying every moment of our marriage trying to figure out when it went wrong. And trying to think of a way to make it right. Even though, logically, I know that it's over. He doesn't want to make it right and I can't make him want it. That doesn't stop me from trying. It's just like maybe this time he'll listen. Maybe I'll use the right words and he'll see the light. Maybe his heart will break a little bit too.
I took my Ambien and I'm getting loopy now. If you lasted this long, thanks for sticking with me. I try my best not to turn this into a sob story, and most days I can. Today, I couldn't. I can only do so much though, right?