Thursday, May 21, 2009

maybe it's because i'm so tired

I'm sad tonight. I haven't cried in a long time. I thought maybe I had finally run out of tears. I was hoping I had at least. I can't pinpoint why I'm upset, but the pain is back. I know it wasn't ever really gone. I just got better at coping. At forgetting.

This whole thing has made me doubt myself and I hate that. I'm scared to be myself. Scared to say and do the things that I want to because I'm afraid someone else I love won't like it and they'll leave. I'm afraid someone else will take my inventory and find me lacking. I'm afraid I'll never be good enough again. And not just good enough, but great. I'm terrified of never being someone's everything again. I used to be comfortable with myself and in my skin, and he took that from me. I feel stupid and gross and ugly and bitchy and impossible to live with. He called me a burden. More painful words have never been spoken.

I want it to be gone though. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to ache for something that's over. But how do you stop something like that? If someone knows, please tell me. People act like I should just be able to shut it off. It's over, let it go. I wish, I WISH it was that easy. If I could blink all of it away, I would.  I so would. None of that "smile cause it happened" shit. It would just be gone. I'm so tired of hearing about how this is a "growing process" and how I'll "learn something". Just give it time. Everything happens for a reason. Yeah. Ok. Just once I wish someone would tell me, "It f-ing sucks and there's not a damn thing in hell you can do about it." At least I'd know they really knew what they were talking about.

I know people mean well when they tell me nice things, but I'm just so tired. I'm so, so tired. Hurting is exhausting. I'm getting impatient. I really thought it would have been significantly easier at this point. I've tried it all. Done all I can do. I so quit.

But who knows. Maybe that's what I need. Maybe I need to quit. To give up. Not real sure how to do that either. Maybe at some point I'll be too drained to care. Thought I would have been there by now. My God, can I please just get there?

I found a quote I like better than those sappy, sentimental ones. I found one that might be a bit on the cynical side. But you know what? At least it has some kind of plan to it. It makes a good point. It doesn't refer vaguely to rainbows and bunnies in the future. It talks about now. And making sure you don't get hurt again. And let me tell you what: I cannot do this again. I'm still not sure if this will break me, but I'm sure a second time would.

So, therefore:

"A wise girl kisses, but doesn't love. Listens, but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."
-Marilyn Monroe

Amen, sister.


  1. Yep...heartbreak sucks and there is not a damn thing you can do about it!

    I had my heart ripped out once and someone told me to just throw myself into my work...and it somewhat worked. I made the Dean's list that semester and it put my mind on something else. But, eh...that's all the advice I have. Cause it still just sucks.

    Anyway, I just read your whole entire blog! I love it!

  2. I guess I don't have anything particularly helpful. No quick fix or anything like that. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Time is probably the only thing that will lessen the pain. That and kissing your dog. Try to think positive and cry whenever you feel the urge. You've got to get it out to begin healing... I hope you are feeling better about things soon.

  3. If Marilyn lived by that quote she must have missed some of the best times of her life. We all get hurt eventually. About 16 years ago my parents decided it was more important for my brother to farm then it was for me, my hubby and kids to be a part of the family. They thought we were in the way of my brother taking over the farm. He didn't want to farm - we did - but he had the right last name. I hurt for a very long time, if it wasn't for my grandmother taking the time to listen to me and not judge either side - I would have committed suicide then. Being told that you are no longer concidered part of the family you've grown up with for 33 years is very hard. My church picked sides (my parents), some people wouldn't talk to me when we met in town, it was really ugly. My parents were telling "their side of the story" that was obviously twisted in their favor and no one every asked me how I was doing, or my side of the story. Well
    I did survive, though there are still days when I see my parents that I get really angry, then upset, then sad. But it is better and doesn't happen often.
    Pray! Don't dwell on it so it takes over your life.

  4. Well I love you and CANNOT believe he said you were a burden, just know you are WONDERFUL and there are lots of us here that know it and one day he will too, it just sucks for you now, but it will suck even more for him later!!!!!!!!

  5. nice blog!!!
    you have a new follower:)