Deep breaths tonight. It might seem stupid to some, but watching "Jon & Kate" tonight ripped my heart out. Watching them go through what I am brought up a lot of pain. Pain that I've been pushing down so hard it physically hurts. It made me so mad when Jon said he was "excited". I think my husband said that at one point. It's the most hurtful thing anyone can say. They're so ready to be rid of you that they're actually excited. Then Kate just said, "I don't want to be alone." That just says it all. I don't want to be alone. I'm not saying she's right and he's wrong or anything. No one knows what truly went on. No one knows what truly went on in my marriage, but I'm seeing it from the perspective of someone who has been there. Who is there. And it's just what I see.
It's weird how the pain goes away and I feel almost ok. Then all of the sudden it comes back with such force that it literally drives me to my knees. I'd rather it just hurt constantly than surprise me like that. When I least expect it and I'm least ready for it, there it is in all it's glory. I haven't let myself miss him for a long time, but God help me, I do. So, so much. And I'm so mad at myself for that. How can I possibly still miss him? I know better. Haven't I learned a damn thing? Seems not.
I want my life back. I don't want a new life. I want the one where I was happy. I want the life back where I wasn't in limbo and I had security and I knew where I was going to be the next month. I don't want to have failed.
I'm giving myself permission to cry tonight. I'm crying right now. I can only run from it for so long. I'll catch my breath soon enough and take off running again. Until then, all I can do is feel it. Let it wash over me and drown me. Just get it over with. Sorry to be so depressing. It's just one of those nights.
A Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down though, and it's a good one tonight. So here it goes...It comes from warpeDesign.
I love how the light shines through the punched holes. Especially up against the gray shade. It really stands out. I know I would rub a hole in it from running my fingers over the bumps. I'm odd like that. There are some more lampshades and some cards and other cool paper stuff in the shop, so go check it out.
I gotta turn the light off and get lost in my prison show. I will picture no one being violated. Cross my heart...