Monday, June 22, 2009


Deep breaths tonight. It might seem stupid to some, but watching "Jon & Kate" tonight ripped my heart out. Watching them go through what I am brought up a lot of pain. Pain that I've been pushing down so hard it physically hurts. It made me so mad when Jon said he was "excited". I think my husband said that at one point. It's the most hurtful thing anyone can say. They're so ready to be rid of you that they're actually excited. Then Kate just said, "I don't want to be alone." That just says it all. I don't want to be alone. I'm not saying she's right and he's wrong or anything. No one knows what truly went on. No one knows what truly went on in my marriage, but I'm seeing it from the perspective of someone who has been there. Who is there. And it's just what I see.

It's weird how the pain goes away and I feel almost ok. Then all of the sudden it comes back with such force that it literally drives me to my knees. I'd rather it just hurt constantly than surprise me like that. When I least expect it and I'm least ready for it, there it is in all it's glory. I haven't let myself miss him for a long time, but God help me, I do. So, so much. And I'm so mad at myself for that. How can I possibly still miss him? I know better. Haven't I learned a damn thing? Seems not.

I want my life back. I don't want a new life. I want the one where I was happy. I want the life back where I wasn't in limbo and I had security and I knew where I was going to be the next month. I don't want to have failed.

I'm giving myself permission to cry tonight. I'm crying right now. I can only run from it for so long. I'll catch my breath soon enough and take off running again. Until then, all I can do is feel it. Let it wash over me and drown me. Just get it over with. Sorry to be so depressing. It's just one of those nights.

A Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down though, and it's a good one tonight. So here it goes...It comes from warpeDesign.

I love how the light shines through the punched holes. Especially up against the gray shade. It really stands out. I know I would rub a hole in it from running my fingers over the bumps. I'm odd like that. There are some more lampshades and some cards and other cool paper stuff in the shop, so go check it out.

I gotta turn the light off and get lost in my prison show. I will picture no one being violated. Cross my heart...



  1. Jon and Kate made me so sad tonight. As one who usually likes Jon more than Kate, I also picked up on him saying he was "excited." I thought that was uncalled for. I feel so sorry for them and watched the whole show with a lump in my throat. Aubrey and I will celebrate our 9th anniversary this year and it has been damn hard. We have almost given up so many times. Being married is hard work. I can't imagine throwing 8 kids into the mix. (Heck, we can't even imagine throwing one in...we know how hard it is with just the two of us) We take it day by day and there are days when I can honestly say we hate each other. But just last night the last thing I said before falling to sleep was "You are my best friend." To me getting a divorce would be so much more than losing a husband... I have no idea how you have the strength to go through it. You are a strong and brave girl. If you need to cry, go ahead and cry.

    On the other hand, Jillian kicked off the guy from Spring tonight. He looked like he could use a little tender care...and he is so darn cute...

  2. oh and did you notice Jon's 2 earrings?

  3. I watched it too and it was heart-breaking. To see a family fall apart. And Jon says over and over, how he needs to do what's best for him and his kids. Well, it's hard for me to see how his leaving, will be better for the kids, but I suppose if the marriage is really volatile, then maybe it's the best outcome.
    I think Kate is a very strong person, and I think she'll prevail.

  4. I didnt watch the show last night, but I've been reading about what happened online. And even though I havent been through a divorce, I can totally relate to what you say about being absolutely fine and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, for no reason, the pain hits you full force as if you were launched in front of a bus going 100 mph. I often wonder how long it takes for that to stop happening...but unfortantely, I just dont know when it will stop. But I think the most important thing is to allow yourself to feel it when you need to...just like you did tonight.

  5. I am soooo sad for you, that's all I know to say:(. On the sunny side, thanks for the sweet birthday card!! love you!!

  6. There is nothing strange or wrong about still missing him--the fact that his feelings have changed doesn't erase the good experiences, good feelings and good times there were before that, and the shitty things he does/says now don't probably negate his better qualities (I'm sure he has some or you wouldn't have married him). It doesn't erase the fact either that at one time what he felt for you was most likely real. I'm sure it seems like the whole thing was a sham now, but I doubt it was. But what was, is gone now, b/c he has changed inside about it. You are missing something that was; it doesn't currently exist anymore. And feeling that is perfectly OK; that's what mourning is. It's confusing when there's good/bad mixed together--easier if he were a TOTAL asshole!! Then you could just enjoy some pure hate. And I don't think you can really "fail" at a marriage (unless you're like, a total asshole to your spouse), because you can't control other people or make them feel/not feel things, even if you're totally wonderful. You can only control (sort of!) yourself. And if you try to be what someone else wants you to be then you betray yourself. That never works anyway. (Tried it.) You DIDN'T FAIL and your feelings are NORMAL! Who wouldn't miss something that felt right to them? Even if it is ended. You are NOT foolish, and you ARE brave.

  7. p.s. I think you should stop watching Jon and Kate. Sounds awful anyway.

  8. Oh hon!! You can cry as much as you need to. You are such a beautiful and talented person. It's his loss!