bittersweet

Deep breaths tonight. It might seem stupid to some, but watching "Jon & Kate" tonight ripped my heart out. Watching them go through what I am brought up a lot of pain. Pain that I've been pushing down so hard it physically hurts. It made me so mad when Jon said he was "excited". I think my husband said that at one point. It's the most hurtful thing anyone can say. They're so ready to be rid of you that they're actually excited. Then Kate just said, "I don't want to be alone." That just says it all. I don't want to be alone. I'm not saying she's right and he's wrong or anything. No one knows what truly went on. No one knows what truly went on in my marriage, but I'm seeing it from the perspective of someone who has been there. Who is there. And it's just what I see.

It's weird how the pain goes away and I feel almost ok. Then all of the sudden it comes back with such force that it literally drives me to my knees. I'd rather it just hurt constantly than surprise me like that. When I least expect it and I'm least ready for it, there it is in all it's glory. I haven't let myself miss him for a long time, but God help me, I do. So, so much. And I'm so mad at myself for that. How can I possibly still miss him? I know better. Haven't I learned a damn thing? Seems not.

I want my life back. I don't want a new life. I want the one where I was happy. I want the life back where I wasn't in limbo and I had security and I knew where I was going to be the next month. I don't want to have failed.

I'm giving myself permission to cry tonight. I'm crying right now. I can only run from it for so long. I'll catch my breath soon enough and take off running again. Until then, all I can do is feel it. Let it wash over me and drown me. Just get it over with. Sorry to be so depressing. It's just one of those nights.

A Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down though, and it's a good one tonight. So here it goes...It comes from warpeDesign.

I love how the light shines through the punched holes. Especially up against the gray shade. It really stands out. I know I would rub a hole in it from running my fingers over the bumps. I'm odd like that. There are some more lampshades and some cards and other cool paper stuff in the shop, so go check it out.

I gotta turn the light off and get lost in my prison show. I will picture no one being violated. Cross my heart...

xoxo

maybe it's because i'm so tired

I'm sad tonight. I haven't cried in a long time. I thought maybe I had finally run out of tears. I was hoping I had at least. I can't pinpoint why I'm upset, but the pain is back. I know it wasn't ever really gone. I just got better at coping. At forgetting.

This whole thing has made me doubt myself and I hate that. I'm scared to be myself. Scared to say and do the things that I want to because I'm afraid someone else I love won't like it and they'll leave. I'm afraid someone else will take my inventory and find me lacking. I'm afraid I'll never be good enough again. And not just good enough, but great. I'm terrified of never being someone's everything again. I used to be comfortable with myself and in my skin, and he took that from me. I feel stupid and gross and ugly and bitchy and impossible to live with. He called me a burden. More painful words have never been spoken.

I want it to be gone though. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to ache for something that's over. But how do you stop something like that? If someone knows, please tell me. People act like I should just be able to shut it off. It's over, let it go. I wish, I WISH it was that easy. If I could blink all of it away, I would.  I so would. None of that "smile cause it happened" shit. It would just be gone. I'm so tired of hearing about how this is a "growing process" and how I'll "learn something". Just give it time. Everything happens for a reason. Yeah. Ok. Just once I wish someone would tell me, "It f-ing sucks and there's not a damn thing in hell you can do about it." At least I'd know they really knew what they were talking about.

I know people mean well when they tell me nice things, but I'm just so tired. I'm so, so tired. Hurting is exhausting. I'm getting impatient. I really thought it would have been significantly easier at this point. I've tried it all. Done all I can do. I so quit.

But who knows. Maybe that's what I need. Maybe I need to quit. To give up. Not real sure how to do that either. Maybe at some point I'll be too drained to care. Thought I would have been there by now. My God, can I please just get there?

I found a quote I like better than those sappy, sentimental ones. I found one that might be a bit on the cynical side. But you know what? At least it has some kind of plan to it. It makes a good point. It doesn't refer vaguely to rainbows and bunnies in the future. It talks about now. And making sure you don't get hurt again. And let me tell you what: I cannot do this again. I'm still not sure if this will break me, but I'm sure a second time would.

So, therefore:

"A wise girl kisses, but doesn't love. Listens, but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."

-Marilyn Monroe

Amen, sister.

gaining perspective

I found out the other night that a friend of mine died on Monday. He technically was my sister's friend. They dated for awhile. But he kept in contact with me through Facebook and stuff. Every now and then he'd write me a goofy little message. He was just a baby. So, so young and really just full of life. He loved his family, his friends and his life. He was just one of those people that seemed invincible. He was a force of nature.

When my mom told me, it stopped me in my tracks. I just cried. I mean, we weren't super close, but he had so much ahead of him. It really blew my mind. It's always sad when someone dies, but his death just shocked the hell outta me. I guess it's always that way when someone you know dies. The face on the news means something then. He was just so strong, healthy, cute beyond belief, happy, funny, and sweet.

It really kind of puts you in your place. I was just rolling along, hurting and feeling sorry for myself, and then I heard that and it kind of shook me. I could die tomorrow. Would I be happy with how I've been spending the last few months? Probably not. It's not like you just get over a divorce or something like that. It's a process and there's lots of grieving and sorting to do. You can't stop that. But you can remember to be grateful. You can remember that each day is a gift. You can remember that there are much, much worse things than what is happening to you. You can keep things in perspective.

If you're the praying kind, send some prayers his family's way. Here's the link to an article that my mom sent me a few minutes ago. Read it, look at his picture and really see him, and remember to keep things in perspective.

sug-ah

Well. It's been an interesting day. I got a lot of staining done. I made a huge sticky mess. Have I mentioned that I HATE stain? Ugh. So gross. It's hot as Hades outside. Not that it's even gotten close to the kind of hot it's going to be here in Houston. Good old Houston. So humid it feels like you're drowning when you walk outside. Yummy.

I'm on my feet all the time. Me and Jers walk 2.5 miles a day, 7 days a week. I stand most of the day, either outside to stain or paint at the worktable or inside by the sink scrubbing grout off my masterpieces. I got a massage the other day. Mom got me a gift card at Christmas and I kept forgetting to go. See how stressed I've been? I forgot a stinking massage. Sad day. Anyway, after my massage was over the girl was like, "Are you on your feet a lot? Because the muscles and ligaments in your feet are incredibly hard and tight. It looks like you put most of your weight on the inside of your feet too, and that's not good."

Lesson of the day: pay attention to your massage therapist. I brushed it off. Yeah my feet hurt. I stand all danged day. Duh. But today, I tore a ligament in my foot. I just took a step and hit my knees. The pain was so bad. At first I thought it was a bad muscle cramp, so I stretched it and rubbed it and tried to walk it off. Not so much. So yeah. Torn plantar fascia. That would be the ligament that connects your toes to your heel. It hurts when I walk, when I wiggle my toes, when I flex my foot, when I stretch my foot, and basically anytime I think about my foot. And now my other foot hurts from putting so much weight on it!

I know I'm being a whiny baby, but for crying out loud in a bucket! How much crap is one person supposed to take. I guess that's what I get for telling the universe to "bring it on" in a fit of rage. Second lesson of the day: don't take your anger out on the universe.

I'm supposed to tape it, take my pain pills, ice it, keep it elevated, and stay off my feet. Well, 2 out of 5 isn't bad. I can't stay off my feet. It's what I do. I hate ice. It hurts and basically makes me grouchy. Plus I don't like doctors, so I get mad when they tell me what to do. I broke my foot and didn't use my crutches or walking cast. Well, I did for awhile because my foot was literally incapable of holding my weight. That lasted about two weeks though. Then it was, hello Ace bandage and hobbling. I never went back for my recheck either. You think I'd learn because the bone healed funny and now I have a lump on the side of my foot. I broke my pinky once too and didn't go to the doctor at all. Now I have a hunchback pinky. I was kinda bummed because it was my favorite pinky. It was skinnier and had a prettier shaped nail than my other one. But I don't learn. I figure if broken bones didn't kick my ass, a ligament has no chance. Rub some dirt in it and walk it off.

But tonight my Spoonful of Sugar is in honor of my aching, throbbing foot. It comes from Blissology. It's called the Footsie Bar. It's a fun name. I know it's technically for dry feet, but I love peppermint and it just sounds so refreshing and tingly.

So go check out the shop! There's all sorts of blissful sounding things there. And check out the Sweet Coco-Mango Soap. It's purty.