bittersweet

Deep breaths tonight. It might seem stupid to some, but watching "Jon & Kate" tonight ripped my heart out. Watching them go through what I am brought up a lot of pain. Pain that I've been pushing down so hard it physically hurts. It made me so mad when Jon said he was "excited". I think my husband said that at one point. It's the most hurtful thing anyone can say. They're so ready to be rid of you that they're actually excited. Then Kate just said, "I don't want to be alone." That just says it all. I don't want to be alone. I'm not saying she's right and he's wrong or anything. No one knows what truly went on. No one knows what truly went on in my marriage, but I'm seeing it from the perspective of someone who has been there. Who is there. And it's just what I see.

It's weird how the pain goes away and I feel almost ok. Then all of the sudden it comes back with such force that it literally drives me to my knees. I'd rather it just hurt constantly than surprise me like that. When I least expect it and I'm least ready for it, there it is in all it's glory. I haven't let myself miss him for a long time, but God help me, I do. So, so much. And I'm so mad at myself for that. How can I possibly still miss him? I know better. Haven't I learned a damn thing? Seems not.

I want my life back. I don't want a new life. I want the one where I was happy. I want the life back where I wasn't in limbo and I had security and I knew where I was going to be the next month. I don't want to have failed.

I'm giving myself permission to cry tonight. I'm crying right now. I can only run from it for so long. I'll catch my breath soon enough and take off running again. Until then, all I can do is feel it. Let it wash over me and drown me. Just get it over with. Sorry to be so depressing. It's just one of those nights.

A Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down though, and it's a good one tonight. So here it goes...It comes from warpeDesign.

I love how the light shines through the punched holes. Especially up against the gray shade. It really stands out. I know I would rub a hole in it from running my fingers over the bumps. I'm odd like that. There are some more lampshades and some cards and other cool paper stuff in the shop, so go check it out.

I gotta turn the light off and get lost in my prison show. I will picture no one being violated. Cross my heart...

xoxo

candlelit sugar

Ok, so I really love the show "Jon & Kate Plus 8". I've always loved how real it seemed. No one toned it down or put on a happy face for the cameras. And those kids are precious. I'm sure everyone knows about the drama with the two of them at the moment. Normally, I don't care about junk like that. Happens every day. But I really thought those two would be ok. I watched the season premiere tonight and it made me so sad.

It broke my heart to see their faces. Because I know those faces. I know exactly what they were feeling. I know what it feels like to look at the person you though you were going to grow old with and wonder who the hell they are. Kate especially kills me. I can't imagine having the whole world think that my life was their business. I've told friends and family that it was none of their business what happened in my marriage (in nicer words, but still). I just look at them and I can see it.

It's a face I wish I knew nothing about. I wish I could look at that face and think, "Wow that must be hard" instead of knowing what it's like to be behind it. I know some people probably think that it's a publicity stunt and so on. It sounds stupid and sappy, but I know better. I see the pain and confusion. I see the effort to put on a happy face even though it's constantly there. I'm so glad that I don't have kids involved. I mean, I wanted kids with him, but in the end I'm glad we don't have kids that have to deal with it too. Because you know they know. I'm also glad I don't have to be in the public eye. I think they are both being calm and gracious in all of this. I would lose my mind. There are probably 3 people that know what really happened in my marriage. At least 3 that I've told. God knows how many he's told.

I don't know what the point to all that was. It just touched me. I wanted to reach through the screen and grab her hand. He's better at hiding it, but then men usually are. Whatever either one of them did or didn't do, it's hard for them both. You can tell they both wonder where it went wrong. That they remember that it used to be so good and wonder where that went. Ugh. Divorce should be illegal.

Anyway, sorry for not showing yesterday. I felt awful. I still feel icky today, but I'm functioning. I think my wisdom tooth is infected though. My whole jaw hurts. It's my own fault because I refuse to have them out. They're pretty much all the way in. I can chew with them. They usually don't bother me, but every now and then one will get infected. It's never hurt this bad before. I'm swishing with hydrogen peroxide and water. My orthodontist used to make me do that when I had braces and my gums would get infected. It's the most disgusting thing in the world, but it works. So hopefully a few days of that will take care of the issue.

I'm really excited because the last few days I've been working on my crosses. I've been wanting to do them forever, but I couldn't find a base I liked. I finally found some and I felt good enough today to get some pictures outside so I could get them posted! Go check them out in my shop :)

I found the cutest little Spoonful tonight. I love the simplicity of it and I'm a wrought iron freak. It's so rustic and elegant at the same time. Adore it! It's a wrought iron candle chandelier. It hangs from the wall instead of the ceiling too. I'm picturing one on each side of my dining room table...

It comes from Bacon Square Farm. I would love to do my whole house around a piece like this!

Candles always make everything feel better. Especially when they're in something this cute and unique! Ya'll have a good night. I'm going to bed early!

xoxo