bittersweet

Deep breaths tonight. It might seem stupid to some, but watching "Jon & Kate" tonight ripped my heart out. Watching them go through what I am brought up a lot of pain. Pain that I've been pushing down so hard it physically hurts. It made me so mad when Jon said he was "excited". I think my husband said that at one point. It's the most hurtful thing anyone can say. They're so ready to be rid of you that they're actually excited. Then Kate just said, "I don't want to be alone." That just says it all. I don't want to be alone. I'm not saying she's right and he's wrong or anything. No one knows what truly went on. No one knows what truly went on in my marriage, but I'm seeing it from the perspective of someone who has been there. Who is there. And it's just what I see.

It's weird how the pain goes away and I feel almost ok. Then all of the sudden it comes back with such force that it literally drives me to my knees. I'd rather it just hurt constantly than surprise me like that. When I least expect it and I'm least ready for it, there it is in all it's glory. I haven't let myself miss him for a long time, but God help me, I do. So, so much. And I'm so mad at myself for that. How can I possibly still miss him? I know better. Haven't I learned a damn thing? Seems not.

I want my life back. I don't want a new life. I want the one where I was happy. I want the life back where I wasn't in limbo and I had security and I knew where I was going to be the next month. I don't want to have failed.

I'm giving myself permission to cry tonight. I'm crying right now. I can only run from it for so long. I'll catch my breath soon enough and take off running again. Until then, all I can do is feel it. Let it wash over me and drown me. Just get it over with. Sorry to be so depressing. It's just one of those nights.

A Spoonful of Sugar helps the medicine go down though, and it's a good one tonight. So here it goes...It comes from warpeDesign.

I love how the light shines through the punched holes. Especially up against the gray shade. It really stands out. I know I would rub a hole in it from running my fingers over the bumps. I'm odd like that. There are some more lampshades and some cards and other cool paper stuff in the shop, so go check it out.

I gotta turn the light off and get lost in my prison show. I will picture no one being violated. Cross my heart...

xoxo

maybe a lobotomy would help

Breathe in. Breathe out. That's what I'm focused on. Thursday is my 4th wedding anniversary. Yay. We made it 4 years.

I kept telling myself that I'd be fine, it's just another day, no biggie. But something about it being Monday and the official start of the week...Well I'm losing my mind. I'm trying so hard not to have panic and anxiety attacks that I'm literally twitching. So pardon me in advance if I do a whole bunch of random, manic sounding blog posts in the next week or so. You can picture me laughing like a crazy person if it makes them easier to sit through.

The Lexapro is failing me when I need it the most. I'm running around like a psycho trying to take my mind off of it. I'll get a lot done this week, I'm sure. I'll also have random breakdowns too. I don't miss the days of random breakdowns. I was so done with them! But I feel like I'm back on that emotional edge. Don't look at me wrong or I'll burst into tears. The more I try to forget, the more I think about it. I'm hoping that the whole "anticipation is worse than the event" thing will hold up in this case. I'm hoping I get to Thursday and forget what day it is. Fat effing chance.

*sigh* I'm spending Thursday with my hero and BFF, Stacy. She won't look at me strange if I start sobbing or laughing hysterically all the sudden.

I don't know if the shopping ban can hold up through this. I just might not be that strong.

xoxo

you are my candy girl

So I was browsing Etsy for my Spoonful tonight, and the front page had wedding themed items on it. Gag me with a spoon. I'm so bitter. I just keep thinking things like, "Don't waste your money" and "He's a lying butthead". There was this thing that said "I'll love you forever" and I actually snorted out loud. Yeah friggin' right. Lies, all of it.

Bitter much? Only when other people are happy. I'm kidding. I am bitter though. I was at Michael's today getting stuff for my new serving trays, and they have this little DIY wedding section. Christ almighty...apparently it was "rub the divorce in Michelle's face" day. There were like 812 (I like that number for some reason) people in the aisle. All chattering and giggling. I had the almost uncontrollable urge to run down the aisle screaming, "DON'T DO IT!" and tip all their carts over. It's been an interesting day. The fact that I'm pretty sure he left for deployment and didn't call first doesn't help matters...Twist the knife, dude; twist the knife.

Anyway, I really didn't get on to write a bitter things-do-not-end-happily-ever-after post. Etsy made me do it with their sappy wedding crap.

I was reading this blog earlier today and the girl was talking about how she was going to do a shop of the week because "she blogs a lot". Holy crap. I do a shop of the day. The addiction is spiraling out of control. AND NOW, sweet Beth has offered me a discount on the sushi set. I want it so bad it makes my teeth hurt. Buying stuff makes me feel better. I know it's unhealthy. I took all the classes in college. Too bad knowing better usually doesn't mean doing better.

I got my tank tops from Aeropostale a few days ago. I ordered one of every color. Actually, two of some colors...FIRST of all, they were like 30% off. SECOND, I wear a tank top, sports bra, and yoga pants everyday. Because I am lazier than sin. So, you see; I needed those tank tops. I couldn't do laundry fast enough to keep up with my tank top habit before! Now I need more sports bras...

You know what I really want to do? I want to make a treasury on Etsy. But seriously...they have a limit. I don't have the patience to sit around and wait for someone else's to expire so I can pounce on the spot like a rabid tiger. Can tigers be rabid? I really think that would be fun though. Too bad they make it so danged hard.

I keep flipping back and forth between here and Etsy. I'm still Spoonful shopping. Could someone please take the wedding crap down? Seriously. And holy mother of God, can anyone afford $250 earrings?? And if you can, will you adopt me?

Well, I've found my Spoonful. It's from Pure Innovation. It's so me. This is pretty much a representation of all the items I own.

I can't believe this is hand painted! I can't imagine being able to do that. There are a lot of other beautiful things in the shop. Another favorite of mine was the Custom Block Letters. Check those out too.

I have to go stain some more things now. I got smart and bought those cheapo sponge brushes so that I can just trash them after I stain. Not more goopy, oily, sticky, nasty stain to try to clean out of my beautiful paintbrushes!

divorce is better with sugar on top

So. I'm in a bitter mood today. Sorry folks. It seeped into my Spoonful. However, it is entertaining. This is what happens when you search 'divorce' on Etsy. Lot's of interesting things...I'd check it out. I picked this one for the morbid, dark humor and the coolness of the item.

It says, "Later she would swear he had jumped." I don't care who you are, that's funny. Plus the whole cork-test-tube-necklace thing is pretty neat. It comes from Uncorked. There are some pretty cool things you can do with test tubes. Who would have thought...

Now. I really, really don't want to hear about how we shouldn't joke about people dying and yadda yadda. I don't want him to die. I still want to be married to the dude for crying out loud. I just want to stew in my bitter sarcasm for awhile. It's completely natural and healthy. Said so in all my psych books...

my other personality made me do it

Today was hard. I visited a lawyer about the divorce for the first time. Talk about becoming real. Here's a synopsis of my day:

Lawyer: Hi! How are you?

Me: Uh, fine *Yeah, just great. I'm getting a divorce. Right as rain. Peachy keen.* (stars mean I'm thinking...)

L: Ok, just let me take a look at these papers. (She shuffles through the end of my life as I know it.)

M: (Staring out the window.) *Do not cry, do not cry, do not cry. Seriously. That would be super embarrassing. This is her job. People get divorced everyday. Nonchalant. You can do it! Just got something in my eye. No biggie.*

L: Well, everything looks pretty basic here. You don't have any major assets to divide and it looks like you've both agreed on the division of everything else.

M: *Ok, really. What am I paying you for? Why aren't you finding the loophole that will keep him bound to me for life like he promised? Here, just give me the papers. I'll find someone who can.* Uh, yeah.

L: Blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. (A bunch of big words I don't know. Oh well. They sound stupid anyway.) So, I guess that's pretty much it unless you have any questions.

M: Do I have to sign them? *Cuh-rap! Did I say that out loud? She's looking at me like I'm nuts. I said that out loud. Laugh it off. Be convincing.*

L: (Pats my hand.) Yes, honey. If you don't it will default to him anyway.

M: Okey dokey. Thanks so much! Really appreciate it. Have a great day! Oh, and a good weekend this weekend. It's supposed to be nice weather. Maybe I'll have a BBQ. I really don't like BBQ sauce though. So it won't really be a BBQ. Haha. *Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!*

So then I head to the parking lot where I promptly have a panic attack. *Note to self, refill Lexapro. See if I can get a prescription for cocaine too.* So that reminded me that I really did need to stop by CVS and get my meds. Usually I use the drive through, but I also needed toothpaste. So I decide to go inside. This is about how that went. (I'm clearly losing my ever-loving mind.)

(Doors to CVS swish open)

*My. That's a refreshing sound. I wish my life would swish like that. Swish, swish, swish. Oh look! Nail polish! I love nail polish. It always makes me feel better when my toes have a pretty color on them. And they're buy one get one half off! Can't pass that up.*

(Spend 15 minutes deciding what color nail polish to get.)

*Okey dokey. What else did I need? Oh 'Real Simple'! I love that magazine. They always have such good advice in there! Maybe I should suggest they do a divorce issue. I could write something about how to hide ex-husband's bodies. That's not funny. Don't think that. Shame on you. Put your big girl panties on. This issue is about make-up. I'm not really using make-up much anymore. Man I'm going to hate it when I have to get a grown up job again. I'll have to wear make-up everyday. And heels. I hate heels. I should try to find those Dr. Scholl's things for high heels. They're such a pretty blue color. What section would that be in?*

(Wander aimlessly like an idiot for another 15 minutes or so. Forget what I'm looking for. Head to pharmacy to get meds. Get in line.)

*Oooh Snickers! I love Snickers. I haven't eaten anything today. I think I'll get one of those. No. I don't need Snickers. I need to have some carrots or celery or something. That will be good for my mental health as well. Yes. Vegetables. Man that guy is old. Good gosh! He's getting 4 prescriptions! Holy crap, I never want to be that old.*

(I'm next in line. Walk up and put my collection of things I don't even remember getting on the counter.)

*When did I pick up a pack of travel tissues? And what in the world do I need these reading glasses for?*

Pharmacist: Ok Mrs. Gunnell. I've got 4 prescriptions here for you. Is that correct?

(Old man winks at me.)

*Christ. I have 4 prescriptions. I'm not even old. I don't have an excuse. Now everyone thinks I have schizophrenia or multiple personalities or something. Great. Actually, multiple personalities might be fun. I could be a total bitch and blame someone else. "What? I can't help it. My other personality made me do it."*

(Pay for my stuff.)

*Prescriptions are expensive. I have to get over my chemical dependencies.*

(Walk out. Enjoy the swish sound again. Get in my car. Head out of the parking lot. Realize that I didn't get toothpaste.)

So yeah. A day in the life...It's sad, but that's how my mind is everyday. I'm not actually sure how I've functioned in the real world as long as I have. Must be my capable personality.

I haven't even picked out my Spoonful of Sugar for the day. Usually I do that first and then see how long I can restrain myself and do actual work before I post it. I really need something to do though. I'll go find something now. If I don't come back I've probably gotten distracted by lip gloss or something else sparkly...